QForPhill

Dear Phill,

          After being in the dorms for about 3 weeks, I’ve grown accustomed to many things, like having no personal space, which is what one would expect. But one thing I didn’t take into account was not having personal space when taking a shit. I am a person who likes to take his time when doing my business, unlike many who just force it out in 5 seconds and leave. And during that time, I like to have peace and quiet. My ‘Me Time’ is constantly ruined by people sitting in the stall next to me, when there are three to choose from and I am not in the middle one. They grunt, and moan, and make bodily noises two and a half feet away from me! I’ve tried taking a shit at all different times of day, but I am still interrupted. The worst part is that its not only guys who interrupt me, but girls in the stall next to me as well. WHAT CAN I DO?!

            From, Shits McGee

Well Shits McGee,

That sounds like a shitty situation (no pun intended). I’m going to go ahead and assume that you’ve tried doing your business at times as late as 1AM, 2AM, and so on, though that would be a pain to wake up at night to take a shit or stay up that late. You could also just try doing your business in the morning before people get up. It’s more likely that people will be asleep early in the morning. If not, the sound of people taking a shower in the morning should muffle many unpleasant noises around you.

You could try wearing headphones when you are doing your business. If you don’t look around or if you just read a magazine or something while you have headphones on hella loud, you probably won’t hear shit (again, no pun intended). You can shit while not being interrupted by others around you, but in the back of your mind, you will know they are still there. It would also be a lot of hassle to get your ipod or whatever, get a magazine, and then go to the bathroom just to take a number 2. But hey, if it works, it works.

If worst comes to worst, you could always just grunt and moan louder than everyone else. People would probably be disgusted by it and leave. Then, everyone will know that you make a lot of noise when you shit, so whenever you go into the restroom, no one will want to go in. You will eventually be able to shit in solitude,  and be very very happy. The only thing is you probably will gain a reputation for having horrible bowel movements and people might not be as friendly towards you anymore.

I hope these suggestions have helped you, or at least has given you some ideas of what you can do to help end your shitty situation.

-P.W.

If you have any questions… you would like me to answer, or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at modiebo@gmail.com

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