QForPhill

Dear Phill,

                I’m a raging racist but I don’t show it. Unfortunately my roommate is a negro and I can barely stand his presence so I spend inordinate amounts of time outside of my room. Needless to say this is really annoying. I sometimes get the urge to smother him in his sleep. What can I do about this?

From, Randy

Well Randy, it sounds like you have a real problem. This is the kind of questions I have to answer when people don’t ask me questions.

First, try to not be racist. There is nothing different between you and your room mate besides the color of your skin. Get over it.

If you can’t get over getting racist, switch rooms or room mates. If you have such hate for the poor guy that you want to smother him, then you have some serious problems and need to seek some professional help, or just need to stop being a jackass.

I hope this helps you out you raging racist.

-P.W.

Please, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS… that need to be answered or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at Modiebo@gmail.com

I’ve got a question Phill.

What if you get the sneaking suspicion that your roommate is masturbating under the covers while you’re in the room? How can you be sure/ask him not to do it.

From, Morpheus

Well Morpheus, how is it that you only have a “Sneaking suspicion?” I mean, if someone was masturbating next to me, I’m pretty sure I would notice. There would be many things that would confirm my suspicion, such as the sheets moving a lot in a certain area, odd facial expressions, and the use of many socks or tissues, unless his sheets have odd stains on the inside. But just in case he is, here are some tips to how I would handle this.

Talking to your room mate would more than likely be extremely awkward. But, you could always try to (As I have suggested in my ‘Masturbating Room Mate” post) setting up a masturbation time with your room mate with the help of your RA. It could be that your room mate just doesn’t have time to do his thang when you are gone, or doesn’t know when he should his buisness.

You could also try making it extremely obvious when you leave the room that you won’t be back for a while, so he can do his deed while you are out. You can post your class schedule in your room or door so that it is very obvious when you will be back and he will know how much time he has left. Also try to give him as many chances during the day to have his fun so that when you are back in your room, he will be out of ammo.

It could turn out, and this is totally hypothetical, that your room mate could be masturbating to you. In that case, if you have already tried everything else, I would simply talk to him about how uncomfortable it is making you feel, and maybe you guys could work something out, like give him some pictures of you he could beat off to while you are gone or something.

I hope this information helped you out or at least gave you some ideas.

-P.W.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS… that need to be answered or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at Modiebo@gmail.com

Hey phill,

I have a problem with my roommate. He has sex in sleeping bags and never washes the thing. I dunno what to tell him, because I don’t want him using my bed. Should I like kill him or light his testicles on fire?

From,  megapenguinx

Well megapenguinx, I have to start by saying your room mate sounds like a pimp, since he can get chicks to sleep with him in a sleeping bag. I also have to say that i think killing him or lighting his testicles on fire would be a little too extreme. I don’t personally see a problem with this, it’s not like you are the one sleeping in his bed, but if it is a big deal, here are some suggestions that may work.

You could first try “accidentally”  spilling something on it. He would then be forced to find a way to wash his sleeping bag. The only problem is you may have to put up with him getting mad and bitching at you.

You could try to just wash it yourself when he is out at class. It would be a little work to do his laundry and it would cost you some money, unless you steal some from him. But then you would again have to deal with him bitching at you and unless you don’t mind that, I would give that a go.

If all else fails, you should just throw his sleeping bag away if it starts to get too rank. Tell him you have no idea what happened to it and then offer to go get new sheets with him so that in the future, you won’t have to deal with this problem again.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful and you can now not have to deal with a room mate’s dirty sleeping bag.

-P.W.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS… that need to be answered or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at Modiebo@gmail.com

Dear Phill,

          After being in the dorms for about 3 weeks, I’ve grown accustomed to many things, like having no personal space, which is what one would expect. But one thing I didn’t take into account was not having personal space when taking a shit. I am a person who likes to take his time when doing my business, unlike many who just force it out in 5 seconds and leave. And during that time, I like to have peace and quiet. My ‘Me Time’ is constantly ruined by people sitting in the stall next to me, when there are three to choose from and I am not in the middle one. They grunt, and moan, and make bodily noises two and a half feet away from me! I’ve tried taking a shit at all different times of day, but I am still interrupted. The worst part is that its not only guys who interrupt me, but girls in the stall next to me as well. WHAT CAN I DO?!

            From, Shits McGee

Well Shits McGee,

That sounds like a shitty situation (no pun intended). I’m going to go ahead and assume that you’ve tried doing your business at times as late as 1AM, 2AM, and so on, though that would be a pain to wake up at night to take a shit or stay up that late. You could also just try doing your business in the morning before people get up. It’s more likely that people will be asleep early in the morning. If not, the sound of people taking a shower in the morning should muffle many unpleasant noises around you.

You could try wearing headphones when you are doing your business. If you don’t look around or if you just read a magazine or something while you have headphones on hella loud, you probably won’t hear shit (again, no pun intended). You can shit while not being interrupted by others around you, but in the back of your mind, you will know they are still there. It would also be a lot of hassle to get your ipod or whatever, get a magazine, and then go to the bathroom just to take a number 2. But hey, if it works, it works.

If worst comes to worst, you could always just grunt and moan louder than everyone else. People would probably be disgusted by it and leave. Then, everyone will know that you make a lot of noise when you shit, so whenever you go into the restroom, no one will want to go in. You will eventually be able to shit in solitude,  and be very very happy. The only thing is you probably will gain a reputation for having horrible bowel movements and people might not be as friendly towards you anymore.

I hope these suggestions have helped you, or at least has given you some ideas of what you can do to help end your shitty situation.

-P.W.

If you have any questions… you would like me to answer, or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at modiebo@gmail.com

Dear Phill,

            I have a problem with my  room mate beating off every chance he gets. Any time I leave the room, I’m scared to come back. My room also wreaks of lotion and it’s embarrassing. What can I do to stop this?

              - Anonymous

 Well, this is an interesting problem. I’m sure a lot of people share this same problem, or a similar one. Though I have personally never had to deal with this, I have a few suggestions that I think may do the trick.

First, try just talking to the guy. It may be really awkward, but if it’s bothering you enough that you don’t want to come back to your room, then there’s a problem. You can also try talking to your RA if you live in a dorm to work out a “Masturbation Schedule,” or something like that.

Second, you can try to get him (I’m assuming it’s a guy) laid. Maybe he’s just lonely or needs to let out some of his frustrations. But with this step, there is always the possibility that he will then constantly bring the chick back, and then you have a whole new problem.

And third, if all else fails, mix some Ben Gay in his lotion bottle. I will guarantee you that he will not masturbate for at least a couple days. He may even associate masturbating with the burning sensation of his junk, and not do it anymore, who knows?

I hope that these suggestions help you out and you will be able to come back to your room worry free.

-P.W.

 IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS… that need to be answered or you just want to say hello, leave me a comment or email me at Modiebo@gmail.com

Here’s a question to kick things off:

Yo Phill, 

I’m going out to pick up some chicks, you got any original pick up lines I can use?

From, Party Stud

Well Party Stud, even though pick up lines haven’t worked since… ever, I still have some that not many people have heard of, since I made them up. I’m not guaranteeing that you will get laid with these, but you will at least get a laugh, or probably a slap to the face.

“Is your name Medusa? Cuz you’re making me hard!”

And if you are feeling really gutsy, or really drunk:

“If I could rearrange the alphabet… I’d stick my penis in your mouth!”

I’m actually curious to hear about people trying these lines on girls and seeing their reactions to them. I don’t have the balls to try these out myself, so I’m not sure how they will go over.

If anyone has any questions… they need answers to or need advice, send me a comment, and if it is a good enough question, you’ll get an answer, along with my appreciation. I’m no expert, though I still consider myself one.

-P.W.